Just a Grassy Knoll, Part One

November 9, 2011

JUST A GRASSY KNOLL, PART 1 OF 2

LLAMAS LOVE HIGH PLACES. After all, they hail from the Andes mountain range across South America, which averages 2-1/2 miles high. So Mama Llama was thinking it would be nice to add a mountain to her llamas’ meadow, or more realistically, a lovely grassy knoll. To accomplish this feat, Mama Llama ~~dragged~~ invited Papa Llama to accompany her to Home Depot. Together, she was sure that this one-size-fits-all supply store would help them find just the right materials to enhance their animal attraction.

Before proceeding, dear reader, please know that Mama Llama delights in the funny looks she receives when she “casually” mentions that she has a pack of llamas in her backyard. Saying the “L” word (Llama) makes most people’s brains misfire, resulting in this typical response: “I’m sorry. Did you say…llamas?” It really is quite amusing. So imagine Mama Llama’s excitement at the possibility of stumping and stunning a Home Depot customer service rep by requesting a grassy knoll for her la-la-la-la-llamas. What great fun!

When Mama and Papa Llama arrived at the Home Depot customer service desk, Mama Llama smiled big. Then she “innocently” asked:

Mama Llama

“Hi! How has your day been so far?”

Home Depot Rep #1

“Not bad. A little dull. It’s been slow this afternoon. Do you have a great project on your mind?”

Mama Llama (thrilled by the perceptive question)

“Well, as a matter of fact, we do. We’d like to build a grassy knoll in our meadow. What kind of fill material might we use?”

Home Depot Rep #1

“A grassy knoll, huh?” We don’t get a lot of requests for that. What do you want to use your knoll for?”

Mama Llama (amused by the rep’s deeply furrowed brow)

“We’d like to give our llamas a hill to play on.”

Home Depot Rep #1

“Your what? Did you say llamas?”

Mama Llama (going in for the kill, because the rep’s mind had short-circuited)

“Yes, we have a small zoo for llamas, and they like to play King of the Hill. So we need a grassy knoll for them to climb and push each other off.”

Home Depot Rep #1

At first, the poor guy was stunned silent. Then he bit his lower lip to hold back a laugh. Finally, his eyes twinkled, which meant that his brain was coming back online, and he was ready to play along!

Home Depot Rep #1

“Well, you could use clean fill soil, but the llamas would crush that down over time. You might want to consider pea gravel, which packs more tightly. But we only sell those items in bags, and you would need a dump truck full. You might also want to consider crushed granite, which won’t decompose.”

Mama Llama (prolonging her amusement at the rep, who was barely hanging on to his composure)

“Would you please show us the options that you have in stock? We’ll also need a lot of grass seed to make the knoll grassy, of course.”

Home Depot Rep #1(eager for a reality check from another employee)

“Sure! Follow me.”

Moments later, our rep came across a group of three men who were stocking shelves. He asked them the following, “simple” question:

Home Depot Rep #1

“Hey, guys. What are the best materials to create a grassy knoll for a pack of llamas?”

Time seemed to stop as the three men stood dumbfounded. Finally, one man blurted out the following:

home depot Rep #2

“You have llamas? How cool. Why do you have llamas? Where do you keep them? They like to climb? You want to build a grassy what?”

Mama Llama then explained the project to everyone and chuckled at the frequent interjections from Rep #1, who was now in full command of his senses and enjoying twisting the minds of his fellow employees.

Then Rep #1—who had grown quite fond of Mama and Papa Llama for making his day so amusing—whisked us away for a tour of all the options for creating the grassy part of our knoll. We looked at grass seeds, various types of Astroturf and even burlap. Then we thanked him and said that we’d return with our decision about the grass but wanted to create the knoll first. One must be logical about such things! So we went to the car to phone companies that sell dump trucks full of clean dirt and crushed granite. But it was too late in the day to reach any of them, because we had overindulged in fun at Home Depot!

So as soon as Mama and Papa Llama can go shopping for dirt and gravel, we’ll post Part Two of “Just a Grassy Knoll.” And eventually, we’ll have video to show you of our pack of llamas playing King of the Hill.

Until then…Happy Trails!